A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: “When your husband can read this without his glasses, it’s time to get yourself to the hospital.”

anyone know how to retract a bid on ebay?? quick I need help I bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and only have 6 minutes left before I am the owner of Liverpool FC

hmmmm

hmmmm

Aoccdring to a rscheearch at cmabridge uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iporantnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltter be in the rghit pclae. tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed erevy lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe. olny 55% of plepoe can raed tihs 🙂

~shh

i still remember playtime at school, a bit of footy, sneakin a quick cigarette and tryin to finger the girls behind the bike sheds……. i ____n loved that caretaker job….

@psb182 wrote:

anyone know how to retract a bid on ebay?? quick I need help I bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and only have 6 minutes left before I am the owner of Liverpool FC

~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap LOL!

went to a charity disco last week for women born without legs,the dance floor was crawling with fanny!

whats the difference between a kebab and a fanny ?

one has meat hanging out on both sides it stinks and you only eat it when pxssed ….and the other is a greek delicacy

Had to put my dad in a oap home cause he’s getting on a bit, after a week i called to see how he was doing the nurse sad he’s like a fish out of water i said “what not fiiting in and getting on with people ” the nurse said no he’s dead…..

Ever since my mother in law went senile ,all she does all day is stare thrugh the window.
maybe one day when its really cold ill let her in .~clap

paddys dog goes missing and his wife says why dont you put an ad in the local paper ,so he does and 3 weeks later nothing . she said what did you write in the ad , he said HERE BOY
~clap

Mick ~naughty lol Pad!

A skeleton walks up to the barman and says….

‘Pint of larger and a mop please’

couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold.
hubby says “put it between your legs to keep him warm” wife looks at him and says ” but its all wet and it stinks” hubby shoots her a look and says “well hold the badgers nose then “

paddy is at airport customs with a sack over each shoulder, customs officer asks if he can take a look inside the sacks, when looking inside the sacks they find hundreds of mobile phones, custom officer asks why he has so many phones, paddy replies ” well i was on my travels and got a call from my mate murphy in cork and he told me he was starting up a jazz band and could i bring him back ….TWO SAXOPHONES

The NHS are offering £5.50 a time for sperm donations.Which would make that old towel under my bed worth about nine grand .

Man City`s Robiniho has just been named the worst brazilian since david blunkett shaved his wife`s fanny.

BOY IN THE BATH WITH HIS MUM SAYS WHATS THAT HAIRY THING DOWN THERE ? MUM REPLIES ITS A SPONGE . THE BOY SAYS OH YEAH IVE SEEN THE BABY SITTER WASHING DADDYS FACE WITH IT

I’ve just come out of a chippy with a meat and potato pie, curry sauce and a jumbo sausage. A poor cold homeless man sat there and said “I’ve not eaten for 2 days.” I told him “I wish I had you f**king willpower”

Split up with the missus last night.She said i thought more about football than i did of her….I am f****** devastated…I have been with her for 12 bloody seasons.

New anti-depressant for lesbians……Trycoxagain.

Scientists have found a genetic link between women and shrimps.Their heads are full of ___t but the pink bit tastes lovely.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check up.She said i had to stop wa*k**g……When i asked why? she said “because i`m trying to examine you”

theres a new anti-depressant on the market for lesbians its called…. trycoxagain

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist??

One looks up the family tree, and one looks up the family bush.

Wife with P.M.T:
“OI DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT ?”
Husband:
“What choices are there ?”
Wife:
“YES OR ****ING NO!

just got back from the annual strawberry picking contest. it was won by a woman with no legs……

jammy c***!

I overheard two indians talking the other day one said to the other , your doin ever so well you’v only been in england a month and ur already talking fluent polish!

a mother was naked when her young daughter entered the room. Whats that mummy?she asked pointing at her muff.
Thats my hedgehog darling, replied the mum.
Oh grannys got one of those, but I think hers must have been run over, said the daughter….

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.’

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’

She said sadly, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.’