A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They
> were touring around the marketplace looking at the
>
> goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

> From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in.
> Come into my humble shop! ” So the married couple walked in.

> The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
> you wild at sex. “
> Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.
> The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sexfreak? “The Jamaican replied,
> “Just try dem on, Mon.”
> Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!
> In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
>
> “YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
>
> YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!”
>
~clap

Nice one Steve

I’m not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn’t even got a fecking car. ~sick

Now in the right thread, I think/hope.

I have never liked the French much!

 JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.  

Rusk responded 
“Does that include those who are buried here?”  

DeGaulle did not respond.

You could have 
heard a pin drop

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do, bomb them?’

 A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply 
emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, 
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’  

You could have 
heard a pin drop.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,

‘Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’

You could have 
heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN 
WITH THE ABOVE…

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  

“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked  sarcastically.  

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.  

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”  

The American said,

‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”  

“Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !”  

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.  Then he quietly explained,

”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.”  

You could have 
heard a pin drop.

@Anthonywaters wrote:

Nice one Steve

this happened a while ago anthony
AN IRISH GHOST TALE,

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door….only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other….

‘Look, Paddy…there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!’

anthony i am sure the name has been changed on this one and it was our phillip while you were there fishing. john bradford i think not.

~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap ~clap

Visted the girlfriend last night,she said pop round for tea,ok i said,been in the house 10 mins,she said do you wanna help,of course ,i said,but how,turn the veg on babe,she said.How did i now ,fingering her paraplegic daughter was not what she was thinking!!

a bit late but got this in a text off my m8 this mornin and made me laff….

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his C*ck made from Cadburys Chocolate….
She said that she prefers Terrys….~naughty